T his spring, I dreamt that I died. I was surrounded by my friends and family at my parent’s house. I was bringing lightness to it, telling my loved ones, “I am actively dying. I’ll come back to you whether it’s in this lifetime or 1000 from now, I will see you again.” The jovial nature increased when the musicians came in. Music therapy is great when you’re dying, I said.
Then, abruptly, there was a long space between my breaths. The length of the pause catches me off guard. I become aware of myself in the dream – wait, a minute – I am the age I am now! 32 years old, young and healthy!
Suddenly, I am not so celebratory; I am panicking! 32 years old? It’s too soon. In the dream, I am in a state of deep resistance. I am thrashing around, crying. My loved ones surround me, even closer, and I feel terrified. My breath farther and farther apart seems like it should not be the case and yet, it is.
Then, I am very present that I am laying next to my life partner, Joel. And here, I thought we would die old together! I mean, at least he would die before me as he is 12 years older. But no, here I am young and moments away from no longer existing. My tears are wails – I am so sad! Mostly, because I don’t want to break his heart. I hurt for his pending grief and loss. We are experiencing such great love in this lifetime, so expansive and pure. In the dream, it becomes very apparent that our partnership is one of the greatest gifts of my lifetime. The tears now fall with sad happiness – joy to have experienced such love and grief to witness it’s physical conclusion.
And therein lies the TRUTH. I have lived a great life. A FULL life of immense travel, peak experiences, spiritual wisdom, love, and incredible relationships. And that’s where in lies the sadness, “Damn, this is it for Kaitlin Firks.” I’ve really enjoyed her and her big heart.
I have really enjoyed my life.
I woke up from my dream and my heart was beating so fast. I stumbled to the bathroom, shaking and feeling the need to purge. Holy ****, am I really dying right now? By chance, Joel had fallen asleep on the couch as he stayed up later than I to watch Sports Center. I was tempted to awaken him, to process – but I chose to stay alone and move through it.
With focused, deep inhalations and exhalations, I brought my breath back to normal.
What was this dream about?
Upon analysis, one of the key shifts from peace to terror in the dream was when my breath lagged and I realized I was only in my 32 year old body. I was confronting a fear of dying young, “too soon;” and how it seemingly occurs as a failure. I didn’t do all I wanted to do, I am not ready to let my loved ones go – my identity go. Don’t take me yet! More time please, I beg of you!
Why do we say in our culture, “they died too soon?” We have an attachment to a long life as successful, “right,” morally fair. And then it dawned on me, I am sure 70 still feels young. If my 61 year old mother died in 9 years, it would feel like she was too young. And I realized, what I was confronting was a conditioned mindset that existed within me, within many people. One that I get to shift within myself in order to help others.
And the conditioning is this, we beg for more time when we do not feel fulfilled in each precious moment.
This is big – we are not taught to feel fulfilled in each moment. If something is not going right or we are in the middle of a project, we do not feel fulfilled. If there are things we want to do and we are not doing it, we do not feel fulfilled. Unconsciously or not, we live unsatisfied with what is in front of us – unless it’s a certain way. It is only when death is in front of us that some of us see the impact of living from a space of unfulfillment and dissatisfaction.
So, how do we live, feeling fulfilled in each moment, even if life is not “perfect?”
1. Gratitude. I am not talking surface level gratitude. I am talking next level gratitude. (Believe me, as a grateful woman, from this dream, I realized there was another layer for me to unfold in my gratitude game). And this is feel grateful and complete. What would that feel like? To feel complete even when there are loose ends and unfulfilled desires?
2.Conversations with my Loved Ones that I Am Fulfilled and Grateful for my life. In my dream, one of my biggest resistances to dying “too soon,” was not wanting others to suffer by my untimely passing. I can speak firsthand to this: My father passed away suddenly, when I was 4 years old and the grief and pain, was immense and enduring for all who loved him. I wonder, if my Dad, who had lived a very fulfilled life before his passing, had vocalized his fulfillment, how would we have received his death? I know for me, if my loved ones were consistently vocalizing, “I have lived a great life, I feel fulfilled by my experience here,” that in the moment of their passing, I would feel a little less despair.
And so, I will pave the way. I will share with my loved ones my gratitude for my existence and my legacy. I will share about the fullness and contentment I feel for having the opportunity to exist, to love, to experience… all parts – the good, the bad, the ugly.
This will require that I have deeper conversations with my loved ones. When we pause and reflect on the truth that we are all going to die and we don’t know when. What type of conversations would we have on a daily basis? How would they differ than the ones we are having now?
3) The Breath. Again, pre dream, I had seemingly engaged with “focus on your breath”exercises and yoga practices, but it only takes one dream where you are not breathing to realize you are nowhere near honoring the preciousness of the breath.
Needless to say, I have shifted my focus to absorbing each breath as an active honoring of the present moment. Especially, when I see myself shifting towards dissatisfaction and emotional reactivity, I bring my focus back to the breath. And not to calm me down (that’s a happy side effect), but rather to remind myself to return to gratitude and contentment for this moment, no matter how seemingly triggering.
Life is happening for us not to us. And while you may argue this is not the case – I invite you to imagine yourself taking your final breath. What would you wish you had let go of and what would you have liked to have focused on more in your daily life?
You do not have to wait until you’re actively dying to have these awakenings. Today, you can declare yourself fulfilled and content. You can tell others you feel so.
You will not die sooner by saying so, but rather, you will still live as long as you will live, in a state of peace.
Even if you only have one more breath.
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